I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
