dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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