FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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