i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
