my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
