your thong is hanging out like whoa
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
