its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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