i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'd cum for enchiladas.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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