So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
