halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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