I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Come share oat with me in your robe
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
