i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
