i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You're like the curious george of whores
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
