the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
