omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
