Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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