So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
