I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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