I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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