Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
