just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have fence marks all over my body
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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