I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
