the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
