The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
