I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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