Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
