umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
