I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
