I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
