I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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