It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
