Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
