party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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