I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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