hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
