I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
