You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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