You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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