I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
