My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Randomize
