Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
