I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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