made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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