thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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