my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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