Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
