some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
