There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
