I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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