Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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